you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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