life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
