i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
