So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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