Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
