Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
