a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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