my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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