That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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