Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
