I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
