Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
