how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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