Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
