This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
