I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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