you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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