I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
