Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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