Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
