You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We named our party play list daddy issues
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
