Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
