yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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