Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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