I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
