At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
