Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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