If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We are two peas in an std pod
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
