I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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