i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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