i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
