Swine flu is the new snow day.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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