I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I understand Curling. That high.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
