How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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