I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
