idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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