a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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