I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
