Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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