Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
