so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm passing your future prison.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
