wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
