Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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