Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
