I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
