Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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