You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
