You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
