Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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