At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
