My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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