this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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