Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
