I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
